The feelings are all back again. For the 4th time. I know that i can't make it work out. But every now and then, i wish for someone to care for me. Someone to ask me whether i am tired, hungry or what i did for the day. I wish that someone can tell me about her day w/o me asking as i will always be listening. i wish that the person will listen to my rantings. I wish to have the person beside me when i'm happy cos i wan her to share my happiness. I wish i cud be by that person's side if she needs me. I wish that someone would love me as much i love her. I wish, that i cud enjoy myself in the company of her. i wish that i can find that girl.
To angela:
i don't know if you have been reading my blog as you used to. But i just wanna say thank you to you for being in my life before, letting me know that you loved me. Thanks for that. Though the time was short, i know that we had worked out in the least. Perhaps it was me caring too much for you as i knew you were paranoid about being in a relationship. Perhaps it was me who sacrificed too much that made you overlook that you didn;t contribute to our relationship.
I realised that i have always somewhat hated your decision of having a breakup. But i think i got over you. I know something's holding me back. And this is it. In the past 2 relationship before ours, i realised i never loved the girl enough. but for you, i did. And i 'm happy that you gave me a chance for me to understand what it is really like to love a person. You made me understand that even if most of the time when we are together, we are silent, its still called quality time. YOu made me understand that love is not about being on the phone with each other the whole day nor is it smsing each other the whole time nor is it talking online all the time. You allowed me to understand that love is being there for that person when i'm needed. Love is also being able to be there even though she didn't day it. Love is not telling the other that you miss her but the other telling you she misses you.
I really appreciated your care and concern you have showered me till now. i'm really grateful. I'm happy to see you get into the 16th student's council and i heard that you are in the welfare committee. I'm proud of you in the least. You realised your dreams. but it was not how it was planned with me celebrating with you. Its you and your friends. I still have the lightstick that you gave me during 2nd Orientation. It still lies in the cupboard. silently, weeping. our love can be likened to a lightstick, slowly lighting up when first used then glowing brightly only to fade away in no time. i was really touched when you typed this out in your online journal.
"That's all for the story.. After typing all these sms out, i realised that i hav been really veri veri demanding.. In the past, i dunnoe why i hav nv realised how fortunate i am.. its until now when i hav lost him den i realised that i didnt treasure him.. i think if he cares for me 100 times.. den i have onli cared for him for 1 time.. which is 1 out of 100 compared with him.. WTH am i doin?.. why didnt i found out and come to my senses earlier?.. maybe i hav been too pampered for too long.. so i didnt noe how it feels to lose him.. if i hav another choice, i will choose not to break with him.. sadly, i dun hav.. i can only live with it.. and try to think optimistically that its actually good for my studies.. at least i will hav a bit more time to spend on my work.. haiz.. i think i'm deceiving myself.. wad he said was right.. it's my loss.. i hav nv deny that.. but i didnt noe though the real meaning behind it.. until now.. i think it means i hav lost sth that's really impt to me.. i hav lost a guy who is true to me and i was the one to cause the tragedy to happen.. i think i hav enough of realtionships.. i think i'm jus gonna continued the vow that i made be4 i was attached to Gary.. and that is to be focus on my studies instead of getting involved in any puppy love, etc.. i think the most horrible thing is to get lousy results at the end of this 2 years jc course.. becos at that pt of time, i think i will be stucked!.. i wun noe which route to take if i cant get good results.. i dun wan to go poly.. i wan to make it to uni..
as for Gary.. i think i still love him.. but i dun think he will ever wan me back into his life.. so.. nvm.. i shall jus keep the love in my heart.. and if he ever noes.. it will be up to him to see if he wan a relationship after he get into NS.. or maybe we shld start everything new.. and pretend that we jus know each other like how we were last time.. and start everything again.. i'd like to know more about him as a friend.. and from there maybe if can.. maybe if i feel that i hav known him enough.. den i will wan to be his stead again.. by that's jus a wishful thinking la.. i think he will be scared to get hurt by me.. seriously speaking.. i think he shld be more God encouraging.. i mean the first thing i'd look for in a stead is he has to be god encouraging..that's really impt to me.. becos i trust God.. that's all i wan to say.. "
I know that you still love me. Many people have been telling me that. but i'm sorry angela. You were once my darling, and i've left a part of me in you and it will always be. Fate has brought us together and to separate us in no time. You haven't known me well, no one does. I never show my true feelings cos i will always laugh them off. No one will ever know when i'm sad. only my mum does.
i'm sorry if i've mistreated/neglected you in anyway in the course of our attachment. I hope you will forgive me. And one of my wish is that you can forget me completely. Because i know that you haven;t "ba wa fang xia", that's why i cannot get over you. i wish you can. I look at you and you still look back at me with those eyes that spell love. i know that you keep blaming yourself. But please don't. its part my fault too.
Angela, i still love you. Yes i do. But we cannot be together anymore. my hearts of glass and when mended back again, the cracks will show. "pei xuan, wo yi ba ni wang le, qing ni wang le wo ba. wo hai shi ai ni de."
I've been trying hard to be friendly with you and i noe i'm succeeding. Let go please.
posted by gary @ 8:12 PM
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